Any jokes out there

[ascot]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.

She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again.

So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up.

After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."

And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.

Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"

And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not thirty times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" :eek: :D :p

[Typhoon-MKV]

Great we will be able to recycle all the ones from the other Forum....


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, sex, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails).

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the c*ap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[ascot]

Very good indeed Stealth :D :D

[Typhoon-MKV]

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . .


"F**k off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"


Please keep dialogue fairly clean chaps.... Thank you

Mr Orange :)

[ascot]

Harsh Stealth Harsh :D

[ascot]

During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week" the Frenchman said
"a woman came to see me with a cl*tor*s like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed.
"It couldn't have been that big -- she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!" :D

Please keep dialogue fairly clean chaps.... Thank you

Mr Orange :)

[raff]

:D :D :D :D
raff

[Albert Ross]

A man wearing a mask bursts into a ***** bank with a shot
gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a
***** bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head
off!"
She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of *****" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's
amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says.

[minter]

hahahaha yes good one :)

[Typhoon-MKV]

Four men went golfing one day. Once on the course, three of them headed
to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care
of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man
told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that
he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line
dealership.
He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, all the extras."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker
and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care
of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons.

How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances
in a gay bar."

The three friends looked down at the grass and s******ed. The fourth man
carried on, "Admittedly I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job,
but he must be doing pretty good. His last three boyfriends gave him a
house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.

[Typhoon-MKV]

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it--that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says."

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

[Typhoon-MKV]

THE FEMALE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was
one of 19.36m (63ft 2in), equivalent to three standard parking spaces,
by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins,driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on
12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,
Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8
hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings
of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two
lamp posts.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband
without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th
October 1990, when Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to
watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking
2min 40sec before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the
glasses?",revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own
record set in 1962 when she sat through 2min 38sec of '633 Squadron'
before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km
(313mile) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn(GB) at the
wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two
miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke
billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for
the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right
indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham
branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs
Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were
both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the
changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs
Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and
exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs
Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when,
starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of
shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks, two days before
eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble
sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on
February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial
scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush
at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore
dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in
another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then
ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women.
The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boyscouts.

Talking About Nothing

Mrs Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in
Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a
half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee,
cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was
exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The
outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs Vera Etherington
(GB) and her neighbour Mrs Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th
November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an
unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs Booth remembered
she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes
Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of
which she told Mrs Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was
having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs Blatherwick left at 2.10pm,
Mrs Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to
secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it
had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair,
including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles,
a coach-load of American tourists which she flagged down and the
butchers wife. When a tired Mrs Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that
night Mrs Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering
75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social
Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night
club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs Beryl Crabtree got
up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other
members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at
9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hr 37min
later.

Single-Breath Sentence

A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty
minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs Mavis Sommers,
48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she
excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her
neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds
without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on
the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but
was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth
motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute,
repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her
neighbour, Mrs Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the
sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes
being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant
spasm.

[Typhoon-MKV]

A latter day classic!

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He calls Stallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play::

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says ...














Wait for it, its a beauty..........



































"I'll be Bach."

[Typhoon-MKV]

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.
"Certainly Sir," says Jervaise the waiter,
"Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"
"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.
"Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small and cute
and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No" says the customer "It's got to be that one".
So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the
chopping block, raises his knife and ....... the little squid looks up and
smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good", says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who
does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed."
So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks
up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ...... once
again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little
legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.

The moral?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

Apologies to our overseas members - english commercial break joke

[Typhoon-MKV]

This is the standard "Things Kids Say" but it is worth reading as it is absolutely superb


WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids. --Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age
10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard,
age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --
Theodore,
age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --
Ricky, age 10

[CFBC]

For Lofty, ;)

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabsthe horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but hisfoot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!

Hearing her screams, the supermarket Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse. :)

[ascot]

Robin Cook walks into a bar with a pig under his arm and the barman says "Good God! where did you get that ugly vile creature from?".
The pig says "I won him in a raffle".



Q. What is the definition of 'Confidence'?
A. When your wife catches you in bed with another woman, and you slap her on the ar$e and say "You're next!"

Q. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, but it takes 15 to write a paper about "Coping with Darkness".

[raff]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .. .

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're
drunk ...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero
co-ordination.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Ring any bells? :rolleyes:

raff

[ascot]

Time for some PC jokes

Hear about the queer that went to Australia.....Couldn't keep out of Sydney :D

Hear about the gay cowboy...rode into town and shot up the sheriff :p

What about the 2 queer Scotsmen Ben Doon and Phil McCrevice :D

Hear about the 2 gay ghosts.....put the willies up each other :D


Sorry if these offend you Agent Mk2

[ascot]

How do you get a 20p coin off a Tyke [Yorkshire Person]???


With a f'kn big spanner :D
---------------------------------------------
A Barnsley man who had just had his dog put to sleep hit on the idea of having a gold statue of his dog to put on the mantelpiece. He takes a couple of pictures to the goldsmith and asks,

"Can tha mek us a statue o' this?"

"Eighteen Carat?" asked the goldsmith.

"Nah, just chewin' a 'booan".
------------------------------------------------------------


Yorkshire Joke....
A Yorkshire bloke Is Drinking In A New York Bar.... He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Yorkie just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Yorkshire bloke returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say,
you're the father of that typical Yorkshire baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned.

"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Yorkshire father takes a slow gulp from his pint of Tetley's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,leans into the bartender & proudly says:



"Had him circumcised".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Lofty]

Sorry for very un-PC Joke
Whats the difference between Paula Radciffe and Adolf Hitler?




Hitler tried harder to finish a race! :eek:

[CFBC]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the

olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t

pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a

porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought

slpeling was ipmorantt!

[plumstix]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the

olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t

pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a

porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought

slpeling was ipmorantt!




Bomber, now you can go and sell your keyboards to all and sundry.

[The Defiant Man]

Up to CFBC's usual spelling standard! :D

Apparently, Yasser Arafat was laid to rest in a Rangers football shirt, Lazio shorts, Spurs socks and a Newcastle scarf.

He wanted to be buried in the Gazza strip.....

<sorry :o )

[CFBC]

This is good guys..... If yer remember....

http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html

Just for a wet and miserable Sunday afternoon.... ;)

[CFBC]

Guys,

Think you guys may enjoy this.... It's REALLY good.......

More of a video c/w sound, so please do not try unless you have cable or broadband. Takes a little while to load, but SO good.... :)

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/204155

Enjoy.

:D :D

[ForkTailedDevil]

Has anyone seen the 8 minute long "Batman vs Joker vs Alien vs Predator" short film on that site? Excellent peice of movie making. Never thought I'd see Batman vs Predator outside of the comics (which are excellent, the first ones worth it just to Batmans armoured "BATtle suit")

[CFBC]

Has anyone seen the 8 minute long "Batman vs Joker vs Alien vs Predator" short film on that site? Excellent peice of movie making. Never thought I'd see Batman vs Predator outside of the comics (which are excellent, the first ones worth it just to Batmans armoured "BATtle suit")
Drop me the link FTD or post it mate....:)

[ForkTailedDevil]

As requested, here it is for all interested. Click on whatever your modem speed is under where it says "Film Clip"

http://www.ifilm.com/filmdetail?ifilmid=2474406&htv=12&htv=12

Actually if you have broadband pick 200k, that way its free, otherwise you have to subscribe for the full screen version.

[CFBC]

Awesome!!! Now thats what we want.... Not a poor AVP film.... :(

[ForkTailedDevil]

The whole film cost $30,000 which isn't that much really. I though a Predator suit would cost that much never mind four of them and an Alien costume. The money was probably saved by not having to do the actually faces though but its still an impressive acheivement.

[Agent X20]

Sort of like how much a 727/737 mould would cost.. bugger all detail really but they could sell thousands....

[ForkTailedDevil]

Or a Tristar Agent?

[Agent X20]

Now that is too modern.....

(still buy one though..)

[CFBC]

The first joke of Christmas
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols!".

[raff]

Oh yes!!!! :D :D :D
Raff.

[minter]

one from mrs mints

how many men to change a lightbulb? one to put it in, one to collect the medal!....now i cant see thats very funny :confused:

[CFBC]

Sorry.... Mints, tell Mrs Mints that is awful, ok.... :)

Here we go....

[minter]

very good,anyway the mints view of xmas.... hmmm must get my hair cut

[sniperUK]

Little Jonnys class at school are being asked what their fathers jobs are,all the usual answers come in fireman,policeman builder etc.The teacher then aks Jonny "Well miss my dad works as a transvestite prostitute giving men sex for money down the Belfast backstreets." The teacher is shocked and at the end of class she calls Jonny over and asks him if its true about his father,"No, my dads a footballer who plays for Northern Ireland and I certainly wont admit that to anyone."

[CFBC]

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

Ingredients:

1 cup water

1 cup of brown sugar

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

Lemon Juice

4 large eggs

Nuts

1 bottle of Vodka

1 can of Red Bull

2 cups dried fruit

Method:

1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.

2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.

3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.

4. Repeat.

5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.

8. Flavour with red bull to taste.

9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.

10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

11. Pick fruit off floor

12. Mix on the turner.

13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.

15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something …

16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder

17. Pick up the can, mop the floor

18. Check the vodka

19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

20. Add one table.

21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..

23. Don't forget to beat off the turner

24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.

25. Fall into bed.

CHERRY MISTMAS

[plumstix]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.


Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.


When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where.


More stress.


Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.


So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.


Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't
it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like
me to stick it?"


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

[CFBC]

An xmas tune for you guys.... Cheer-up!!!

http://www2.b3ta.com/merrychristmas/

(Some may find offensive - warning) :D

[planejunky]

Great links CFBC! :D Ok time I told a few yarns! :D


A guy walks into a pub and sits down.

He starts dialling numbers on his hand as if using a telephone, then holds an animated discussion with his fingers. The landlord notices this odd behaviour and walks over to him. "Hey mate this is a rough pub, I don't want any fights breaking out in here, so you'd better stop that funny stuff of yours".

The guy says to the landlord "I'm not trying to start anything. I'm just a hi-tech bloke, and I've had a phone inserted into my hand, that way I can always be contacted. It's great, whenever my wife or work needs to contact me they can without the batteries dying. By the way where are the toilets?"
The landlord points to the toilets, and the guy walks off.

After around twenty minutes the guy still hasn't returned to the bar, and the landlord starts to get a bit worried as the place attracted some rather nasty people, so fearing the worst he goes into the toilets to find the guy leaning towards the wall, spread-eagled. His trousers are pulled down around his ankles, and he has a bog roll sticking out of his @rse.

"Oh my God", says the landlord "did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and looks at him strangely and says, "Na I'm fine, I'm just waiting for a fax."

[Snapper]

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?
Because blonde guys are stupid too! :o

Two old ladies are sitting in a park, when a flasher walks up, yanks open his raincoat and exposes himself to them. His peni$ is just hanging right out there, all big, ugly and hairy.This is an enormous shock to the ladies and one of them has a stroke right away! But the other one can't quite reach. :)

Why does it take one million $perm to fertilise one egg?
They wont stop to ask for directions. :p

Well that's my joke limit done for the day! Hope no offence was caused - none was meant!

Snapper

[minter]

whats touched more balls than beckhams right foot.....
Elton Johns chin...... :D

[CFBC]

A few "jokie" piccies.... :D

[CFBC]

A few more to keep yer smiling.... :D

[eismeer]

Fatty's in a strop :D :D :D :D

[planejunky]

What's black and brown and looks good on a politician?


A Doberman!!

[planejunky]

How long does it take for a female politician to have a sh!t?


Nine months like everybody else!! :D

[plumstix]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just f*ck off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you ****.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13.If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

[neighbob]

A bit late i know!
Santa goes to the doctors
"Doctor i've got a mince pie stuck up my ****"
So the doc says "I've got some cream for that"

[Agent X20]

A bit late i know!
Santa goes to the doctors
"Doctor i've got a Polish Spitfire stuck up my ****"
So the doc says "I suppose you want a certificate for that.....".

Apologies......

[CFBC]

Found these that were sent to me by e-mail and thought you guys may enjoy them :)

Here are some conversations that airline passengers
normally will never hear. The following are accounts
of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control
towers around the world.


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when
it hits a 727?"

================================================== =====
Tower:

"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351:

"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


================================================== =====

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
take-off queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control:

"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft:

"I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

================================================== =====
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles,

Eastbound."

United 239:

"Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got
the little Fokker in sight."

================================================== =====

A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC
asked,

"What was your last known position?"

Student:

"When I was number one for take-off."

================================================== =====

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able.If you are not able, take
the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."

================================================== =====
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a
priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter
was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told
the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52
that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded
seven-engine approach."

================================================== =====
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned
passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise
he heard in the engine," explained the flight
attendant."It took us a while to find a new pilot."

================================================== =====

Tower:

"Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702:

"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower:

"Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern
702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you
copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635:

"Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and
yes, we copied
Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


================================================== =====

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8
landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied
back past the
Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew
got on the radio
and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it
all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8
parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough
parts for another one."


================================================== =====
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect
one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them.So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird
206.

Speedbird 206:

"Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."


Ground:

"Speedbird 206.Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.

Ground:

"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206:

"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt
before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly):

"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't
land."

================================================== =====

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of
a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An
irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told
you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned
right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the
embarrassed crew, she was now shouting histerically:
"#####! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and
don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air
2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US
Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate
ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot
broke the silence and keyed his microphone,asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?.

[Typhoon-MKV]

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long-long-long time and had tears rolling down my face today when I read it.

Title: Hotel soap saga

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left other 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.

Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

• On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

• On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

• On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

• Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

• In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

• On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

• On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

[neighbob]

I'm not at all suprised at this,I have worked in a lot of London hotels in my line of work and have found a lot of maids dont understand English yet alone read it.

[Albert Ross]

Attention all Internet surfers

To those of you who are aware of the efforts the Americans are exerting with regard to Home Land Security, this web site is a must. What happens in America today will occur in Europe and the United Kingdom tomorrow. This is a sobering account of things yet to come.

The new Homeland Security Bill has passed.
Things will be different now.

Internet surfing will be tracked by the FBI with a
non-intrusive method. The FBI says you will not
notice anything different. For a demonstration,
click on the link below...

Click here: http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/
I trust you will find this informative and daunting.

[plumstix]

George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was
recently
>diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti- depressants and
>scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he
wasn't
>depressed at all - just British.
>
>Mr Farthing, whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were

>interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare
journey
>through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as
>suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that
everything
>will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late,
England's
>chances at winning any international sports event or even his own
prospects
>to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.
>
>"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed
>particularly pathological," reported the doctors. "They put me on
>everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They
even
>told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become
>suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that
it
>was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."
>
>Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of
"weapons
>grade amphetamine", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours
of
>speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad,
>really". It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a
psychotherapist.
>
>Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't
believe
>his ears.
>
>"His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it
rained
>every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately
backing a
>football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation
or
>false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to
mainly
>want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in
winter
>and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't
>responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action -
namely
>ECT or shock treatment".
>
>"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the
rubber
>bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent,"
said Mr
>Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a
>terrible mistake'." Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy,
>giving her an understanding of the British psyche.
>
>"Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank
>Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or
>escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics.
>
>"That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."
>
>Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical

>depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately
>discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured
leaflets
>and an "I love New York" T-shirt.
>

[plumstix]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen.
Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprophen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin



Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails and highballs. Pepsi will market the new formula by the name, Mount & Do.

[spock1]

:D Mr. Plumstix,

The real test will be when they get a tanker to shed its load into the North Atlantic and see if they can actually ' Raise the Titanic.!'......... :D :)

[plumstix]

Sorry lads, but this was sent to me by a woman, Snapper may like it though.



OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept
a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support
groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside
down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

[Snapper]

Thank you very much for posting that Mr Plumstix :D

Here's a joke relating to my job....its a little on the long side :o

A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.
"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first.
"I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

Have a good day,
Snapper

[Agent X20]

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

Sorry not funny.. not funny when its your car.... (and either side of you are 4x4's)

[planejunky]

It was mealtime on an airline flight, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no" she replied

[minter]

Sorry not funny.. not funny when its your car.... (and either side of you are 4x4's)

and when its in the garage at an angle,harder to get in than a b -17 ball turret :rolleyes:

[minter]

anyway, i bought some condoms the other day, some gold and silver ones,and i said to her which ones do you want me to wear tonight,
The silver ones she said.... come second for a change :rolleyes:

[condor]

Take your links where ever you go with LINKSHELF.COM




An elderly couple
A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare. :D


Condor

[condor]

This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." :D


Condor

[condor]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your p***s?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it..." :eek:


Condor

[condor]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." :D


Condor

[charley]

DRIVE THRU CASH DISPENSERS~



Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are

installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they

have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the

appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine

2. Wind down your car window

3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw

5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt

6. Wind up window

7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine

2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine

3. Re-start the stalled engine

4. Wind down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card

6. Turn the radio down

7. Attempt to insert card into machine

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its

excessive distance from the car

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the

inside back page

12. Enter PIN

13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Check make-up in rear view mirror

16. Retrieve cash and receipt

17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of chequebook

19. Re-check make-up

20. Drive forward 2 metres

21. Reverse back to cash machine

22. Retrieve card

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot

provided

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles

26. Release handbrake.

[The Defiant Man]

Charley,

Not only did you beat me to posting the cash dispenser guide :mad: (we must be on the same "FW" links somewhere :rolleyes: ) your signature is an affront to all Financially Skint Advisers :mad: (thanks to PII). :D

This ain't a joke, but you might have "fun" (&/or get flamin' annoyed) trying....

Lift your right foot off the ground and start moving it round clockwise. Now, with your right hand, draw a number 6 in the air.....your foot will change direction....& there ain't nothing you can do about it. Don't belive me? Try it, & again, & again.....

[charley]

Self Funded organisation!!!! Who shall I visit next!!!! oh hello Mr NON-COMPLIANCE!!!!!! lets discuss your 1% of annual turnover FINE!! :eek: :D

[plumstix]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, so she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asks.

He says, "Put it inbetween your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.

[plumstix]

Apologies if you've seen it before.


A mother-in-law stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's
house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him
to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you
doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[condor]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. :D



Condor

[plumstix]

Class.

[plumstix]

Four macho guys go on a fishing expedition. To save a little money,
they rent a small cabin that has only 2 bedrooms.
Bill sleeps with Charlie the first night and he came to breakfast the
next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two
ask, "What happened to you?" Bill says, "That Charlie, he snores so loud, I
was kept awake watching him all night. I can't do that another night so
one of you has got to do it!"

Since Charlie snores so loudly, no one else wants to room with him, but
they finally agree to take turns. The next night is Oscar's turn. In the
morning, the same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot.
Oscar declares, "Man, that Charlie shakes the roof. And he sleeps so hard, I
couldn't wake him! I watched him all night."
The third night is Steve's turn. The next morning Steve comes to
breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed." The other two can't believe it. "What
happened?" they ask, "How on earth did you sleep with all that
racket?" Steve says, Well, as we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Charlie
into bed and kissed him good night. Then he watched ME all night.

[condor]

Class.
B****r must have set it to the wrong person :D




?

[plumstix]

B****r must have set it to the wrong person :D




?

Cheers Condor, I'm flattered :D

[DCRanger]

Class.
My other half works at Tesco and I can get 10% staff discount. Do you think she would appreciate one?

[plumstix]

My other half works at Tesco and I can get 10% staff discount. Do you think she would appreciate one?

Think you may find some of your AA's with 'battle damage' :D

[CFBC]

Seen today.....

" Lev sorting out a few Grey Spitfire issues !!!!!" :D

[Sailor.]

That surfer, and I don't mean the one on the board, brings a certain CAA dealer to mind. :p

[Agent X20]

Oooohhhhh... careful how yer tread..... :D

[CFBC]

It all adds to the Clubcard points darling.... It is the thought that counts... Right...... :rolleyes:

[neighbob]

Seen today.....

" Lev sorting out a few Grey Spitfire issues !!!!!" :D



Don't think thats a shark,looks more like a dolphin to me.

[Snapper]

They say its not how much it costs but I'd love to see the wording inside! :D

Was the card a 19p special? ;)


Quote Originally posted by Neighbob
'Don't think thats a shark,looks more like a dolphin to me'.

It's got to be a shark - look at the shape of its head!

[Agent X20]

Come in a pack of five... for 19p....

[CFBC]

Ohhh Agent - shhhhhh. Don't tell eveyone there is five in a pack..... :o

[Snapper]

So who'll be the lucky lady that recieves that card for the next 5 years then? :D

[balbrick]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Agent X20]

Naw... 5 ladies... keep yer options open, have submarine will travel.. lady* in every port

...as me dawg once said ter me... the secret in life was ter keep yer beetches under control..

I miss my dawg..... :(

* old gits like me dont have girlies....

[CFBC]

So who'll be the lucky lady that recieves that card for the next 5 years then? :D

Hey Snapper.. Won't be the same card I assure you for the next five years..... One each year... :D Mrs CFBC of course..... :p

Unless you want one too? :cool:

[Agent X20]

We all sending Snapps a Valentine's card.. ding dong.. bags I the Tesco one...!!

[NeilD]

Seen today.....

" Lev sorting out a few Grey Spitfire issues !!!!!" :D


Oi whats he doing messing around in the water.. shouldn't he be packing Mossies ?? :D
Neil.

[Snapper]

With all these cards coming my way I'll have enough to wallpaper a room in the house:D

PJ has just informed me that he is opting for an Asda Smart price card so that I will be able to tell it's from him!

Snaps

[CFBC]

Oh my.. Agents "bagged" the Savers card..... :( Sounds like ive got the Wilko's wondercard..... :rolleyes: Or the Superdug special..... :o

[CFBC]

Oi whats he doing messing around in the water.. shouldn't he be packing Mossies ?? :D
Neil.

I thought that was u on the surfboard? Yer know... The younger years? :p

[NeilD]

I thought that was u on the surfboard? Yer know... The younger years? :p

hope theres no teeth marks on my Mossie...

[charley]

http://www.geoffellis.com/ebay.html

For the EVILBAYERS out there!!! :D

[eismeer]

http://www.geoffellis.com/ebay.html

For the EVILBAYERS out there!!! :D

charley, that is absolutely brilliant :D :D :D :D

[charley]

charley, that is absolutely brilliant :D :D :D :D


Im still laughing but im b***oxed if i can find a "!Dukes of Hazard Ashtray!" :D :D

[Sailor.]

Ferrari have sacked their entire pit crew in preparation for next season. The sacking followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister, Tony Blair, went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of skill levels in the UK.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.

At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[CFBC]

You will need yer sound... ;)

Sorry in advance....

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html (http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html)

[charley]

V V Funny! :D

[CFBC]

Despite millions and millions of years of male/female interaction Charley..... Well, sums, it up really.....

Hope u had a safe trip home.. :)

[charley]

Got home eventually!!! 3 bin bags full of my clothes by the front door and 4 AA models which had arrived whilst i was away!!! :rolleyes:

Oh well ... take her to see a chick flick tomorrow night ;) All will be well NEC next weekend so gotta sweeten her up!!! :p

[CFBC]

U mean she moved yer into the garage then? EEK? :D

[condor]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."
Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"
Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless :D



Condor

[Ara1]

I'll have a go...

"Knock, Knock"
"Sorry I'm deafer 'an a 'addock"
"Oh, I apologise,"
"I apologise, who?"

:o
Right. Not my funniest bit but y'know.

[Ara1]

"Hey what did the two newlyweds have for dinner?"

"A honeymoon salad"

"What's that?"

"Lettuce alone"

[Spectrum]

Hello All,

Sorry if this has been posted before and if not I hope you enjoy! :D


This is pretty neat how it works out.
This is cool beer math!!!!!!!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have a pint. (try for more than once)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)


3. Add 5. (for Sunday)


4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................


5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755.... If you haven't, add 1754 ...


6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.


You should have a three-digit number


The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have a pint week).

The next two numbers are ......

Your Age ~ (Oh YES, It IS!!!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

[eismeer]

Good one Spectrum :D

[Spectrum]

Glad to be of Service.

[Ara1]

I got stuck on this part-



6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.



I was born in '65.

That's two digits.

And as yer reading a joke thread, we're havin' another laugh!

Great joke Spectrum.

[Ara1]

It's been a long voyage,
And everyone knows the captain's nuts.

[CFBC]

CITY-SLICKER

A city-slicker moves out into the country and he decides that he wants to

start a farm.

So he starts walking down a country road and he comes to a farm.

He walks up to the barn and says to the farmer " I want a rooster."

The farmer says " We don't call it a rooster, we call it a cock."

So the city slicker starts walking again and he comes to another farm.

Walks up to the barn and says to the farmer "I want a hen."

The farmer says " We don't call 'em hens, we call 'em pullets."

So the city slicker starts walking and he comes to another farm and again he

walks to the barn.

He says to the farmer "I want a mule."

The farmer says "We don't call 'em mules, we call 'em asses."

So the city slicker starts walking back to his farm when he comes upon a

lady walking towards him.

He stops and she walks up to him. He says "Would you hold my cock and pullet

while I scratch my ass?"

[condor]

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??" :D


Condor

[kevjb64]

A man is walking along a beach after another huge row with his mother-in-law during a family holiday .

He stumbles across an old lamp half-buried in the sand , picks it up and polishes it . Shazzam a Genie appears and says " Thank you for realising me from years of captivity , I will grant you 2 wishes .

The guy smiles and is about to rush out his 2 wishes when the Genie adds ,
" But I must warn you that whatever you get , I must give to your mother-in-law two fold ! "

THis kinda stops the guy in his tracks a bit and he spends a long time silently thinking .

Finally a huge smile spreads across his face and he says , " So let me get this clear , whatever I ask for my mother-in-law gets double ? "

" Correct " answers the Genie , " Are you ready for your wishes ? "

" Yes " replies the guy , " Firstly I want £ 10million pounds deposited in a bank account in my name , I also want the bank to draw up a will leaving 50% of that amount to my wife and children should I die "

The Genie looks puzzled and asks " You are aware that I would have to open a bank account for your mother-in-law , put £ 20million pounds in it and draw up a will that 100% be left to your wife and children in the event of her death ? "

" Oh Yes " replies the guy .

" It is done " says the Genie , " And your second wish ? "

The guy quickly says , " I want you to beat me half to death ! "

[condor]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


Condor

[neighbob]

Not a joke but a website

www.office-humour.co.uk

click onto the film clips,they are small downloads and there are some brilliant clips.Jurrasic f**t was one of my favs. :D :D

[DCRanger]

Just recently the Telegraph has had a series of letters from readers about the correct way to boil eggs. The one I liked best was :

This morning my wife asked me for sex in the kitchen. When I asked her why she replied "The egg timer is broken and I want a soft boiled egg".

[Mark Brown]

A newly wed couple were not seen for several days after checking into the honeymoon suite, the manager was a little concerned so knocked on the door
to see if they required anything to eat.
The Groom shouted "its OK we are living off the fruits of love" to which the manager replied,well in that case can you stop throwing the skins out of the
window!

[Mosquito]

A man is driving along a road and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the road sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down
the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He approaches the woman and asks,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says... "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

[condor]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.




How true ;)





Condor

[plumstix]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his photo taken."

[plumstix]

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies "This time it's mayonnaise."

[Sailor.]

:) :) Any volunteers for the Dawn Patrol? :) :)
http://www.miniclip.com/hostileskies.htm

[CFBC]

Is it me or does my plane nose-dive all the time!!! :( Canna get it too fly..... Could be my cordless mousey.... :D

Anyone else? :)

[Sailor.]

Shake the dilithium crystals up and then engage warp drive. Must I do all the thinking round 'ere? :p

[NeilD]

nope, same here and my mouse has a tail...

try this instead..

http://www.kamer1.com/planespotting/

Neil

[CFBC]

That works a treat Neild, but I keep getting distracted for some reason!!!!

:D

[plumstix]

Not exactly a joke, but great fun.

http://www.doodie.com/whack.php

[ForkTailedDevil]

Car security was never so good

http://www.trunkmonkey.com/

Must now find label for boot release that says Trunk Monkey. Boot monkey doesn't have the same ring to it.

[plumstix]

The owner of a chemist store walks into his shop one day to find a guy wide-eyed and leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk: "what's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner, gets all excited and shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[plumstix]

Just had this sent to me via text message:

'B***** hell, A German Pope. He must have had his towel on that balcony since Easter!!'

Apologies if you've seen it before, but made me chuckle. :D

[DCRanger]

Heard on Have I got News For You tonight on the same theme.

History has been repeated with a German occupying a former Polish territory" or words to that effect.

[neighbob]

My gran told me that during the war that if a bomb had your name on it there wasn't anything you could do about it.I asked what about the air-raid shelters.Our neighbours tried that she said but it didn't do Mr and Mrs Doodlebug any good.

[Agent X20]

Sounds to me like Baldrick carving his name on a bullett.. :D

[condor]

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."



Condor

[CFBC]

One for the lads in Heywood.... :p

[CFBC]

Sh*t day perhaps? At least you can see daylight!!!!

[CFBC]

One way of getting the money for the AA's.... :D

[CFBC]

I don't understand this one, perhaps I ought to ask Mrs CFBC to explain!! :D

[spock1]

Sh*t day perhaps? At least you can see daylight!!!!

:D A powerful 'drive' in the cure for piles !!............ :D :confused:

[CFBC]

And finally... "An open house invitation from Mr & Mrs Agent to discuss the newly released Lofty & Agent price guide" :)
(All in good banter Agent, honestly)

[Agent X20]

Cant be us old fruit.. Mrs Agent adverse to daylight...!!! :D

Spitting image though!!! :D :D :D

[DCRanger]

One for the lads in Heywood.... :p
Showed this one to Mrs DCR. She wasn't amused. Can't understand why? :D

[G-force]

That one is bit close for me. I've actually HAD to do that.

[neighbob]

:eek: :eek: I was under the impression we had to "****" our swear words.Come on CFBC fairs fair and all that. :D

[CFBC]

Sorted, apologies.. :D

[neighbob]

Sorted, apologies.. :D

Na,the original was funnier.Go away isn't as good as **** ***

[CFBC]

Na,the original was funnier.Go away isn't as good as **** ***

Ok, sorted now.... :) :D :p

[Agent X20]

Actually perhaps another post..

Mr & Mrs CFBC decide to pop round and personally deliver a bid of £9.99 to 633squ....

E Bay blues.. (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5971198051&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT&rd=1)

[neighbob]

Ok, sorted now.... :) :D :p

Spot on CFBC :p

[CFBC]

An election decider? :rolleyes: :D

(All in good spirit and no harm intended to anyone or any party!!)

http://www.viralgods.com/clips/wasntme/

You may need broadband, but it's good... Well put together... :D

[condor]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."



Condor

[condor]

It was a average day in Bobby's first grade class. Around 11:00 he had to go to the bathroom, so he raised his hand and ask the teacher. The teacher noticed this pattern and asked him a question " Bobby, if you want to go to the restroom, you have to recite the A-B-C's" Bobby being a below average student slowly recited
"a-b-c-d-e-f-g-h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-q-r-s-t-u-v-w-x-y-z"

The teacher noticed that he was missing a letter so the teacher replied "Umm..Bobby, what happen to the p?" Bobby replied "Oh, I'm sorry Ms.Swanson, but its running down my leg.


Condor

[condor]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."




Condor

[condor]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!" :D



Condor

[CFBC]

For our USA and worldwide members, the UK charts has had a No.1 for the past month or so named "Show Me The Way To Amarillo" which personally was and still is dire, but here are the directions to put that awful trash right.... :D
DIRECTIONS.

1.Start at Edinburgh Airport.

2.Catch flight from Edinburgh to London Heathrow Airport.

3.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

4.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

5.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International
ParkwaySouth"
- follow for 0.2 miles.
6.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" -
followfor
0.3 miles

7.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North
AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles

8.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow
for29.2
miles

9.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

11.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow
for104.0
miles

12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

13.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

14.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow
for7.8 miles

15.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for
0.5miles

16.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow
for1.7 miles

17.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for
0.1miles
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now that's the way to f*cking Amarillo!!!!!!!!

[condor]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Condor

[CFBC]

Sound familiar?

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.

The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy gets implemented and sustained.

:D

[CFBC]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he
couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head
that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the
last. And you're single. Just let it go.." But invariably another
voice in his head would bring him back to reality, ;)





Whispering:..... :D
















Dave............. :p


















...............you're a vet" :rolleyes:

[no4mkit]

Q: what's every pilots worst nightmare?



A: http://www.flyingmule.com/img/prd/WT-WTW72002-2_03_lrg.gif (http://www.flyingmule.com/products/WT-WTW72002-2)

...a backseat driver. :p

[Agent X20]

Is that another blo*dy slipper tank..!!!

That spinner looks very sore.. is it swollen...??

[CFBC]

Aha.. A new Witty... :)

[The Defiant Man]

A bl**dy awful looking one at that. :(

If they keep on like this they'll go the way of Sun Star.....

[CFBC]

Hmmm. Even if they are eight-twelve quid, still not good.... :rolleyes:

Rather buy a Legends.... :D

[The Defiant Man]

Rather buy a Legends.... :D
Me too......I would have thought that a Corgi Israeli Spit would be on the cards after the Mossie/P-51 set.

[CFBC]

Be good too if they did and made a good job of it also... Like they did with the Mustang and Mossie...

[The Defiant Man]

Yeah....unfortunately the colour of that Witty looks rather like the Thai Mossie....

[no4mkit]

looks like glitter paint - would be right at home hanging in a disco... :rolleyes:

[Agent X20]

I couldnt find the E Bay bit... but I think this has to be a joke.. or are the civils.. 'coming home'..

In fact see its one of four...

If this one sells please contact me for another... (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=811&item=6533765549&rd=1)

[minter]

Aha.. A new Witty... :)

are you sure...thought it might be the new CC model

[CFBC]

I couldnt find the E Bay bit... but I think this has to be a joke.. or are the civils.. 'coming home'..

In fact see its one of four...

If this one sells please contact me for another... (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=811&item=6533765549&rd=1)

Geeze.... Hopeful. :D

[Agent X20]

From another site somewhere.. naturally these are American..

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

[CFBC]

Here we go guys. Another site to waste away the hours lunch.

http://yocya.fakefur.jp/charmy.html

The site itself is Far Eastern, but there is an English translation :)

[CFBC]

http://www.minitrackmania.com/

:D

[balbrick]

Cant get past 2nd bridge :(

[G-force]

Tony Blair is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Tony, John Prescott here.

Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just

received word that the Durex factory in Sheffield has burned to the
ground. It is estimated that the entire British supply of condoms will

be gone by the end of the week."

"Christ John - the economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!"

"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... America?..."

"No chance!! Bush will have a field day on this one!"

"What about Ireland?"

"Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. You call
Bertie Ahern - tell him we need one million condoms; coloured red,
white and blue; twelve inches long and eight inches thick! That way
he'll know how big the brits really are!!"

John calls Bertie, who agrees to help the brits out in their hour of
need.

Three days later a van arrives outside Downing Street - full of boxes.

A delighted Tony rushes out to open the boxes. He finds condoms;
12 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured red, white or blue.
He then notices in small writing on each and every one:-



MADE IN IRELAND - SIZE: MEDIUM

[G-force]

-A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs
away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but
only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair.

While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the
neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an
escaped prisoner, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I
saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you,
just give him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

[G-force]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a
beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at
only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its
language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded
and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot
and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.
"F*ck me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to
laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f*cking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes"
says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut up,
we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and
have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the womans husband Dave comes home.

"In f*cking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same
old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?"

[G-force]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant,>
the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and the fourth man was a Government
Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed
that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling
a
drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do
your
stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,

ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

drank the milk,,,,,,,,,

**** on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,

put in for Workers Compensation...............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

[G-force]

There was a blond that sat down in first class of an airplane going to Chicago.
A stewardess came over and told her that she needed to move back to coach because this was someone else's seat.
She said "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class." Well the stewardess didn't know what to do so she went and got the head stewardess and told her what happened.
So the head stewardess goes over the the blond and says that she needs to move back to her seat in coach.
The blond replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class"
Well neither stewardess knew what to do so they went and got the captain. He tells the blond that she needs to go back to her seat in coach. She tells him "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class"
The captain leans down and whispers something in her ear and she jumps up and runs back to coach.
The stewardess' ask him what he told her to finally get her to move.
He says "First class isn't going to Chicago"

[G-force]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[condor]

There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!" :D

Condor

[balbrick]

know were your getting these jokes from Condor, the old yellow page mr hun ;)

[DCRanger]

Q: Why do Irish dancers dance without moving their arms?

A: Because their arms have been decommissioned!

[CFBC]

The only problem with this site is......

:D :D ;) :rolleyes:

[Snapper]

Not so much a joke as such but still made me laugh. Was told this by a very smartly dressed older lady...........tone of voice used was like she was having a friendly chat....just glad she didn't ask me the question seriously! :D

Ever wondered why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G and H are used to define bra sizes?
A=Almost Boobs
B=Barely There
C= Can't Complain
D = Dang
DD=Double Dang
E=Enormous
F=Fake
G=Get a Reduction
H=Help me I've fallen over and I can't get back up!

[CFBC]

While I was driving down the A55 today, (going a little faster than I
should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me
over,walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk,
asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,
Work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch

The hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do
you do with a six-foot ar*ehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Penalty Points: 3

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless

[neighbob]

A man walks into a pub at lunch time and says
"6 Vodkas please"
Barman replies
"starting early aren't we".
The man replies
"Yes i'm celebrating my first b*** j** ".
"Congratulations" said the barman "have another Vodka on the house".
No thanks" said the man "if 6 Vodkas can't kill the taste then one more won't make any difference.

[condor]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."


Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!!!




Condor

[Spectrum]

Sorry If this has been posted before. :D

A blond calls her boyfriend and asks for help with a jigsaw. Boyfriend asks what it's of. Blond says I think its supposed to be a tiger at least thats what it looked like on the box.boyfriend goes over and is told that the pieces are spread out on the kitchen counter but she can't make them fit.boyfriend takes a look in the kitchen says,"lets have a cup of tea then we'll try and get all those Frosties back in the box."

[plumstix]

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative
was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home,
lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he
could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London,
Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.

[G-force]

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y279/7-6151835/320-shoppingbag.jpg

[Grizzly Adams]

Why does Michael Jackson like halloween?

Free delivery!

:D

Very poor taste i know, but it did make me laugh :D

[condor]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


Condor

[G-force]

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge

[G-force]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"



A little voice (which sounded not a little miffed) came out of the box
I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fu*king shoes on."

[G-force]

....from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

__________________________________________________ ___-

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely

into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"


Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have iscoming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got itlicked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packingstuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it upjust like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer."

[sniperUK]

Whats the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?

A pig wont stay up all night trying to screw a pilot.

[G-force]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[CFBC]

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing
a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of
the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs
for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you
charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The
man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders
that she might need were in the garage. The man's
wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and
said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way
around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She
was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to
collect her money. "You're finished already?" he
asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint
left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way,"
the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a
Ferrari." :D

[rmorley]

One day, God felt like rewarding his old mate Jim, who lived in the East end, and, although he had a swearword shaved into his hair, had a heart of gold. So God asked Jim what he would like:
"Jim me lad, you've been a great sport over these last few years. What would you like as a reward?"
"Well, God, I've alwuys laachted the sunny fings in liffe, so I'd laach a mo'orway oo da Canary Islands, Mister God, sir!"
"OOO, Don't think I can do that, Jim. Is there anything else I can do?"
"Well, the missus been playin' up lately, an' I'd laach ta understaand er."
:confused:
"How many lanes d'you want?"
:) :) :)

This is a joke from workers who built the Channel Tunnel:

Three French cats and three English cats set out to cross the English channel. To avoid confusion, the English cats were numbered one, two, three and the French cats un,deux,trois. The English cats made it, but the French ones didn't. :eek: Why?

Because (read aloud) un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq! :) ;) :) ;)

A Welsh friend of mine came up with this one:

Why did the Welsh boat sink?
Because it had too many leeks! ;)

[Sailor.]

British Hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.


He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."


The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the Bobbie's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call, "British Hospitality?"

"No sir",... replied the Bobbie,..., "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[Lofty]

Corgi's price increases..........Oh how we laughed :mad: :mad: :D :D :eek:

[CFBC]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse,
Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as
LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up
all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0
could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they
then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,
without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab
93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005,
but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact
that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money
before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please.

[planejunky]

LOL!!!! :D :D Now that's funny, nice one mate! :D

[ozlanc]

I guy walks up to the front door of a brothel, bangs on the door and sings out: "I want to be screwed".

A female voice answers: "ok, just slip $50 under the door".

The guy does as he was told and waits.

After waiting ten minutes he knocks again and says: "I want to be screwed".

A female voice answers: "What, again".

[CFBC]

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with
the boys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask:"Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the
boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the
balls to say "You're next."

[Martin Bull]

I wonder if Mrs-CFBC-to-be knows what she's letting herself in for !? :eek:

[CFBC]

Oh well M/B.... :D

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

The Origination of this letter was :D unknown

[ATC1]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen,I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!?"

I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[ozlanc]

A drunk judge stumbled home late one night, unaware that he'd thrown up all over his jacket.

The next morning his wife asked him what had happened and he managed to convince her that a drunk had spewed on him.

Later that day the judge phoned home to cement his alibi "You remember that drunk I told you about, well, I sentenced him to 30 days for spewing on my jacket."

His wife replied "Maybe you should have given him 60 days, because he crapped in your pants too."

[CFBC]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks, "Is
your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this
state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about t?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am
wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bl&&dy thing's an hour fast..."

[Tiffie K N-L]

How`s come witches don`t where underwear?? :eek:

So they can get a better grip on the broom. :D

[DCRanger]

One for CFBC and Martin Bull :D

A Dale's butchers lad was riding his carrier bycycle very fast down the street of the village, when suddenly he toppled over and crashed, sprawling his bike and basket.

Passing villagers gave assistance. On being asked if he was OK the lad replied "Ah'm alreight - but Ah've lost me heart, me livers mucky and one uv me kidneys rolled down drain.

[DCRanger]

Prince Charles went to visit a school in Dewsbury. A young lad asked him why he was wearing a fur hat. Charles replied that at breakfast time the Duke of Edinburgh asked him where he was going. When Charles told him he was going to Dewsbury his father said "Wear the fox hat".

[CFBC]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and
enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response.

"No,I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out
beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are
my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other
friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house."Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha-ha, I and see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in
there with her......He's naked, too!!! The p*ick!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do
a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?"

First, shoot my wife she's always been mouthing off, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his co*k off to
teach him lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing
perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend
impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you
a grand here....."

:D

[neighbob]

Don't get it? :D :D

[ozlanc]

Don't get it? :D :D

Not many guys do after they're married I hear ;)

[DCRanger]

It's not a joke but it made me laugh

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/10/15/nbulg15.xml&sSheet=/news/2005/10/15/ixhome.html

[Graham]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the level has just been raised from "miffed" to "peeved". Soon though, the levels may well be raised yet again to "irritated" or even "a bit cross". Londoners have not been "a bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies ran low.

Terrorists have been re-categorised from "tiresome" to "a bl**dy nuisance", the last time a "bl**dy nuisance" warning level was issued was during the great fire in 1666.

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it had raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide". The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate".
The rise in level was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened state of alert, the Italians have increased their level from "shout loudly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their state of alert from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in military uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for a regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world" and "beg the British for help".

Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothings happened" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain cheerful" and "win". ;) ;)





Now where did I leave that old fallout shelter :eek: :eek:

[Grizzly Adams]

Two atoms sitting at a Bar.

First one says "You know something i'm sure i've lost an electron"

Second one replies "You sure?"

To which the first atom says "Yeah i'm Positive!"

/boom boom..... I Fank Joo!

[prune]

2 Palestinian women looking at baby pictures in the family album.
1st woman- ah, little Ali,such lovely big eyes,he's 18 now?
2nd woman- No, he's with the Martyrs now.

1st woman-and theres little Khalid,such lovely hair, he'll be 17 now?
2nd woman-No he's with the Martyrs also

1st woman-Ah, little Hassan, such a beautiful baby,is he 16 yet?
2nd woman-No he's also with the martyrs.

2nd woman-they blow up so quickly nowadays don't they

[Mosquito]

You need to be a monk to get this joke

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,

"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound.

A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says,
"If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply,
"You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

"I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask.


All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply,
"Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say,
"This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end.

His life's wish is behind the door!

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound...



.....

....

....

..

..

...

...





...
...



....



....







But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk :D

[neighbob]

You sh1thouse :D

[ozlanc]

I have also heard the strange sound of the Sirens at night that keep me awake with restlessness.

And that haunting sound is....

















































NEE NOR, NEE NOR, NEE NOR....and there are also lots of pretty flashing lights with it as well :)

[Mosquito]

Make up for the last one?

Two members of the French Foreign Legion are lost in the desert, separated from their unit in a sandstorm while on exercise. The sun is beating down as they attempt to make their way back to the fort. They've been lost for some time now, they've used up the last of their rations and water and hope of salvation is beginning to look futile.

They painfully drag their way up yet another sand dune and as they reach the crest, look down to see a market place spread out below them, easily a hundred stalls all open for business.

"At last, we're saved!" says Pierre, "Come Andre, let's get down there and get some water!"

So they slip and slide down the dune towards the market place and land in a heap at the first stall. Pierre looks up to the stall holder and pleads, "Stall holder, please, give us some water - we have money and will gladly pay, we must have water!"

"I'm sorry Legionnaires", the stall holder replies, "all I have are these small desserts; there's jelly in the bottom with sponge fingers, a layer of blancmange, cream on top, hundreds and thousands and a cherry in the middle; that's all I have."

"Ah, never mind", says Andre, "we'll try the next stall."

So the brave Legionnaires crawl to the next stall and again plead for water. "We have money and will gladly pay any price!" cries Pierre.

"I'm sorry Legionnaires", the stall holder replies, "I wish I could help but all I have are these small desserts; there's jelly in the bottom with sponge fingers, a layer of blancmange, cream on top, hundreds and thousands and a cherry in the middle; that's all I have."

This continues throughout the market - at each stall the Legionnaires plead for water and offer to pay whatever is asked but every time they receive the same reply; "I'm sorry Legionnaires, I wish I could help but all I have are these small desserts; there's jelly in the bottom with sponge fingers, a layer of blancmange, cream on top, hundreds and thousands and a cherry in the middle; that's all I have."

Eventually they reach the very last stall and with his faltering breath Andre manages to say, "Stall holder, water, please, money", while waving fistfuls of currency at the stall holder.

"I'm sorry Legionnaires", the stall holder replies, "I wish I could help but all I have are these small desserts; there's jelly in the bottom with sponge fingers, a layer of blancmange, cream on top, hundreds and thousands and a cherry in the middle; that's all I have."

Despondant, Andre and Pierre turn away from the market and begin to make their slow, painful way up the next dune. As they reach halfway Pierre turns to Andre and says, "Wasn't it strange, we went to every stall in that market place and all any of them were selling were those small desserts, jelly in the bottom with sponge fingers, a layer of blancmange, cream on top, hundreds and thousands and a cherry in the middle?"
.
.
.
.
.

"Yeah", Andre replies, "It was a trifle bazaar."

************************************************** ******
I thought I was going down with that Avian Flu last night........................
.
.
.
.
.
.Started to feel very peckish. :D
************************************************** ******

King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.
So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer;
if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: 'What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princesses,
The prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester.

In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old Witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she Charged.


The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, However, he would have to accept her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and very hideous,
Had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises etc?
He had never run across such a repugnant creature.


He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.




Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

"What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."



Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.

The old witch put her worst manners on display and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.

What a sight awaited!

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.



The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, Deformed self and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?


What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament-
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, An old spooky witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?







What would you do?



What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read on until you've made your own choice.




















Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge
of her own life.






What is the moral of this story?















The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly.







Underneath it all, she's still a witch and don't you forget it :D

************************************************** ********************************

Gypsies

40 gypsies arrive at Heavens gate, St Peter greets them and says, we’ve only got room for 12 so decide amongst yourselves who’s coming in".
10 minutes later St. Peter says to God, "They’ve gone"
God says, “What all 40 of them?"



.
.
.
.
.









St Peter says, " No the f***ing gates!".
************************************************** ********

[eismeer]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he
asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shad doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

[eismeer]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here". The man says, "Yes, it is".

Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250.00

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750.00" Man - "Sold."

A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy answers, "$1,000.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now."

[eismeer]

A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United
Kingdom. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr.Englishman for letting me in this country!" But the
passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani". The man goes on and
encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful
country here in Britain!" The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong
Kong The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not
British!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a
British citizen?" She says, "No, I am from Rumania!" So he is puzzled,
and asks her, "Where are all the British?" The Rumanian lady looks at
her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work."

[ozlanc]

A fella was walking home with a bunch of flowers for his wife's birthday when he saw one of his mates.

"What are they for?" asked his mate.

"I got 'em for my wife," he replied. "Whaddya think?"

"Good trade-in!" he said.

[Mosquito]

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an uninhabited island.

After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to
the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular
evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his
arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued
to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they
rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the
evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get " those feelings " again. He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned
over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear....

" Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

[Mosquito]

Your Lucky Day

A Guy walks into a pub, and there's this great big fat bird at the bar
drinking pints of Guinness and eating pickled eggs.
She says to him, "If you can guess my weight, you can s**g me".
The bloke says "You must be about 97 stone, you fat b**ch",
and the bird says "Close enough, you lucky b******d !".

[ozlanc]

An old classic.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding the prairies. Tonto stops, gets off his horse and puts his head to the ground.

"Buffalo come," he said.

"Gee, that's amazing, my faithful and trusted companion," said the Lone Ranger.
"How do you know that?"

"Face sticky".

[neighbob]

Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a cold day and upto the saloon,but there wasn't anywhere to tie the horses up."I know,"said the Lone Ranger "You don't drink Tonto so if you get off and jog around the horses you'll keep them in place and keep warm while i go and have a few beers".Tonto agrees and starts jogging.
A couple of hours later the sherriff comes in the saloon and asks "Who's horses are outside"
"Mine"said the Lone Ranger"Why"
"You've left yer injun running"came the reply.

[Mosquito]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalised?"

"Well..." said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub."

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

(Before reading the rest, what would you use?)






"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
.
.
.
.
.
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.
"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug"


(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)

[plumstix]

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the upper degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Millwall Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.

[Agent X20]

Having spent the last couple of days trying to get an answer from a Corporate Lawer as to the pension rights for wimmin without much sucess, I found the following very apt...


THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR (TWO HUNDRED YEARS ON)
A variation on earlier versions.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson: (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England'past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye And I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not anymore, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case....kiss me, Hardy".


Crazee world...

[eismeer]

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles. One was already occupied so I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

Suddenly, a voice came from the cubicle next to me:

"Hello mate, how you doing?"


I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied...


"Yeah, not too bad thanks."


After a short pause, I heard the voice again


"So, what you up to mate?"


Again I answered, although somewhat reluctantly - unsure what to say, I replied...


"Umm, just having a quick dump... How about yourself?"


I then heard the voice for the third time .....


"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some fool in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

[Mosquito]

FROM THE NEWSPAPERS

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.( Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth >was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

*A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... *

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please >move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing
glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and
move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down
there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

[plumstix]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the Check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

[eismeer]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a
Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big
suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.
The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to
translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played
it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also
refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

[balbrick]

Mary had a little lamb,the midwife fainted

[G-force]

Mary had a little pig
It wouldn't stop a gruntin'
She took it up the garden path
and knocked it's ******' **** **

[plumstix]

Mary had a little pig
It wouldn't stop a gruntin'
She took it up the garden path
and knocked it's ******' **** **

I love that one...it's a classic. What I did to my cousin wa typed this into my mobile then sent it as a text to his home number and the recorded message bird reads it out dead pan, it sounds hilarious. Give it a go.

[G-force]

I just lifted this from another forum.

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Highly infectious coolness.

10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13.Glibido: All talk and no action.

14.Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15.Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16.Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18.Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass

[Agent X20]

With the speeling and grammer on this forum, that one was at thirty thousand feet.... :D :D :D

[Sailor.]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the
bag on the counter. The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag. The
man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot
high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and
pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches
into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano stool, which he
places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful
piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the barman.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out
a magic lamp. He hands it to the barman and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish.
Just one wish. Each person is only allowed one!"

The barman gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is
soon followed by another duck, then another. pretty soon, the entire
bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The barman turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a
little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a
12 inch pianist!
:(

[plumstix]

It's not only CFBC who has problems with a wooden leg!!!

http://www.qarxis.com/Fainting_Goats

[CFBC]

It's not only CFBC who has problems with a wooden leg!!!



My secrets out... :(

[lovethoseplanes]

Latest French Weather map. :D

[neighbob]

Latest French Weather map. :D



I suppose the car in the channel is full of immigrants trying to reach Britain?

[Sailor.]

Fifteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

[eismeer]

A man walks into the Bank of Ireland and shouts to the woman at
the counter: "I want to open a f*cking current account". The astonished
woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you; what
did you say?"
"Listen up, you f*ck. I said I want to open a f*cking current account
now!!". "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this bank".



The cashier leaves the counter and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not
have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no f*cking problem" the man says. "I just won 10 million
Euro in the f*cking lotto and I just want to open a f*cking current
account, you b*ll*x, is that okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and is
this fat b*tch giving you a hard time?

[eismeer]

An old one i know, but it made me laugh again :D



The judge said to the double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a
hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You
b**tard!"

The judge ignored the outburst and continued, "You're also
charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer."

The same voice yelled out, "You lying b**tard!"

The judge looked sternly at the man who yelled and said,
"Sir, you may be angry and frustrated by this man's crimes,
but one more outburst from you and I'll find you in contempt
of court. Do you understand?"

The man replied, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but I've lived next
door to that b**tard for the past fifteen years and every
time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

[plumstix]

I used to be into sado-masochistic, necrophilic beastiality...until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse!!

[plumstix]

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, he burst into the kitchen and started screaming: . . .

"Careful...CAREFUL! . . . . Put in some more butter! . . . Oh my GOD

You're cooking too many at once.... .TOO MANY! Turn them! . . . .TURN
THE NOW!

. . . . We need more butter. , , ,Oh my GOD! WHERE are we

going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!. . . .
Careful...CAREFUL!

,. . . . I said be CAREFUL! . . . . . You NEVER listen to me when

you're cooking! Never! . . . .Turn them! . . Hurry up! . . . .Are you
CRAZY?

. . . .Have you LOST your mind? . . . . Don't forget to salt them.

. . . .You know you always forget to salt them. . . . .Use the salt

. . . . USE THE SALT! THE SALT!

The wife stared at him incredulously. "What in the hell is wrong with
you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

"No," the husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it's

like when I'm driving with you in the car."

[minter]

thats funny.............but somehow chillingly true :o

[Grizzly Adams]

Doctor: I have good news and I have bad news, which would you like first?

Patient: Gimme the bad first doc.

Doctor: Well, you only have 1 hour to live.

Patient: ****! What's the good news

Doctor: Its happy hour at the Royal Mr Best.

[CFBC]

"Oh nooooo" she nags....
"not another remote" she says....

(((((click)))))

Best get your order in for Xmas ladz, could be as hard to get as an XBox360!!

:D :D

[minter]

i like that very funny collector,..........and ooh dear mr adams :rolleyes:

[G-force]

"Oh nooooo" she nags....
"not another remote" she says....

(((((click)))))

Best get your order in for Xmas ladz, could be as hard to get as an XBox360!!

:D :D


I bet you won't be laughing this time next year ;) :D

[minter]

are you married then g force

[G-force]

Yep, well and truly drawn and quartered.

Actually to tell the truth, I don't need one of those controls. Without wanting to sound cheesy, or embarass my wife, I must have a one in a million because I don't get nagged at, we do things together, what's PMS?, I get beer and massages delivered to my seat, but I draw the line at letting her cook! I do all the cooking in the house, and that's the way we prefer it. As for anything else, well, no problems there either. :rolleyes: :D

[CFBC]

I bet you won't be laughing this time next year ;) :D

Probably not to be honest with 1/2 me collection gone and perhaps the sound of this and that on the way..... :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[G-force]

:) Hmmmm???????? ;)

[CFBC]

I ain't going there G/F... Put it like this I want someone to pass my collection down too..... (hopefully) - :D

Anyway, back on track.... :rolleyes:

Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."

Pamela is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day".

[minter]

but I draw the line at letting her cook! I do all the cooking in the house, and that's the way we prefer it. A

ah ha! me too mrs mint can burn water :rolleyes:

[strix1998]

Reuters announce -No Christmas lights in Vietnam this year they are apparently only hanging glitter

[Agent X20]

ah ha! me too mrs mint can burn water :rolleyes: Must be related to Mrs Agent... if its edible....... steam it..!! Cooking is definitely a bloke thing, makes the consumption of a good red justifiable.. :D

[minter]

imagine being married to nigella lawson... :rolleyes:

[Agent X20]

No thanks... (cost a damn site more than diecast ever would..)

[Mosquito]

Pantomime Newsflash

A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted, " He's behind you!"

[plumstix]

Police have now admitted that George Best was not in fact buried in Belfast following his funeral last week and that, in retrospect, the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning may have been a mistake.

[scramble]

Have a Laugh !! :D :D

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered in Malta and Gozo .



On a street menu in St George's Bay:--- 'Gordon Blue' as main course.



On the menu of a Mellieha restaurant: --- Our wines leave nothing to hope for!



In a Marsalforn hotel: --- The manager has personally passed all the water served here.



Outside a Valletta tailor shop: --- Ladies may have a fit upstairs.



In a Sliema dry-cleaners: --- Drop your trousers here for best results.



Outside an Ghar id-Dud dress shop: --- Dresses for street walking.



In a St. Julian's elevator: --- You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.



In a Victoria, Gozo, tailor shop: --- Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.



In an Mqabba church: --- It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.



At a 'Karrozin' stand: --- Take a horse-driven tour - we guarantee no miscarriages.



In a Birzebbuga laundry: --- Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.



In a St. Paul's Bay hotel: --- Because of the impropriety of entertaining guest of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.



In the office of an Ghajnsielem doctor: --- Specialist in women and other diseases



At Moby Dick restaurant -Xlendi---------Prawncock salad--may also be served without prawn



Msida shop --Geyser and Repairer by..........



Zejtun barber's shop....................Hairdresser and General



B'Bugia cafe -Open 7 days a week ,Sundays also.

[minter]

bl##dy funny some of those....dont get the barbers shop one though :confused:

[scramble]

bl##dy funny some of those....dont get the barbers shop one though :confused:

Minter...I think as in Army General?

[minter]

oh yes :rolleyes:

[Mosquito]

Don't think this one's been on here before.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble
choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a
present of £5,000 and waits to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a
fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, buys several new
outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him
that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she
loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new
set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done
with the money he'd given her.

He decided to marry ........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
the one with the biggest boobs!

[andysutton]

A Welshman, a Frenchman and an Englishman are walking along the beach.

One of them kicks an old bottle which flicks into the air, and from it appears a genie.

"Oh thanks" says the genie, " thought I would be stuck in there for ever. As a reward for your help, I will grant you one wish each. What shall it be"

The Welshman goes first. "Oh, the land of my fathers is a hard land. It is not so fertile being high. I would like something for my beloved country. Please make it all fertile"

"It is done" said the genie waving his hand. "All of Wales is now fertile"

The Frenchman goes next.
"I too want something for my country. It has been beseiged for centuries and often invaded. I want to see it protected for ever"

Again the genie says " It is done. I have thrown up a huge wall around your country"

Finally, the genie asks the Englishman what he wishes.
"First", syas the Englishman, "tell me about the wall you have built for the Frenchman"

"Ok" says the genie. "It is 80 feet high and 20 feet thick. It is solid stone and completely inpenetrable"

" Great" says the Englishman " Fill it with water"

[CFBC]

Read the whole thing...


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2003

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function
room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of
drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free
to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

================================================== ========

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians
or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
Tree pr esent. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music
for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty
================================================== ========

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2003

RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
eads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.




================================================== ========

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2003

RE: Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else
package everything for you to take it home in little foil
doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing
allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those
people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?


Patty

================================================== ========

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F-----ing Employees

DATE: October 05, 2003

RE: The F----king Holiday Party


Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you
can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
i'm hearing them scream right NOW!



I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,


The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!


================================================== ========


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2003

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays To All!!!

[ozlanc]

Minter...I think as in Army General?

Privates would have been funnier, btw some of those Med types are Generally hairy :)

[minter]

Privates would have been funnier, btw some of those Med types are Generally hairy :)

yeah the men can get a bit bushy as well

[ozlanc]

yeah the men can get a bit bushy as well

I'll take you word for it Minter, I've never got to know one that well ;)

[CFBC]

A few "seasonal" pictures to cheer you all up and put you in the festive spirit!

(or will that be lunchtime today)

[planejunky]

Not a joke exactly, but being an immature oaf, I thought it was funny! :D http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lighting_farts

[planejunky]

And if that wasn't enough! http://members.tripod.com/~DUFLS/main.htm

[Graham]

To celebrate same sex marriages, Ikea have brought out a new range of flat pack bedroom furniture, it's a bed for lesbians, no screwing involved, just tongue and grove. ;) ;)

[CFBC]

Not a joke exactly, but being an immature oaf, I thought it was funny! :D http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lighting_farts

The question has to be asked why you were actually referencing/reviewing that anyway PJ? :confused: :D

[G-force]

Not a joke exactly, but being an immature oaf, I thought it was funny! :D http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lighting_farts


I know a guy who did that when he was drunk. He ended up in hospital with third degree burns to the general area. Stupid **** had squirted some lighter fluid up before ignition, but hadn't told us. The funny part wasn't the "explosion", but the fact he almost burnt the house down, and that about fifty teenagers tried to get out the door at the same time. NASTY!!!

[Agent X20]

It would seem PlaneJunky has an obsession with all of this that could be a little unhealthy for him.... he was spotted at a recent airshow during one of his photoshoots whilst taking a comfort break..... :D

[Agent X20]

Mind you the daddy of them all has to be....

[minter]

bloke walks into an army and navy stores to buy some camouflage trousers, but couldnt see any

[minter]

a friend of mine drowned in a bowl of museli, a strong currant oulled him in

[minter]

a phone answering message " if you want to buy marijuana press the hash key"

......want anymore.....................................na thought not :o

[condor]

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."



Condor

[condor]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Condor

[ozlanc]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Condor

It's funny because it's true
http://img487.imageshack.us/img487/4972/homerframe5jc.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[DCRanger]

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Mistakes eye can knot sea

Eye strike the quays and type a
Word and weight four it two say,
Weather I am rite oar wrong, it
Shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid it
Nose bee four two long
And eye can put the error rite –
It’s rare lea ever wrong

I’ve run this poem threw it,
Eye am shore yore pleas two no,
It’s letter perfect in its weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

[condor]

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.





Condor

[condor]

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."



Condor

[CFBC]

PLEASE TAKE SOME TIME TO READ THIS - VITAL INFORMATION.

PLEASE TAKE NOTE! - There is a dangerous virus currently being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called the Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely! If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on, and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Here you should purchase a program called Work Isolator Neutralizer Extractor (WINE). This is available in several formats. The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift Hitting Infiltrator Remover All Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is the more expensive professional version. The cheaper version, which could give you some real headaches, is known as Pro-Lite Organism Network Killer (PLONK).

Run the WINE program repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. To assist in the complete eradication of this virus, please forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends then it is highly likely that you have already been infected, and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys Every Available Decent Living Youngster).

Update

After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best Equivalent Extractor Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but the program will have to be run more times for the same effect!! :D :p

[CFBC]

PLEASE TAKE SOME TIME TO READ THIS - VITAL INFORMATION.

](after yesterdays fun I thought we might now like to take some time out and have a bit of a laugh)[/SIZE] :D

[Graham]

A Somalian arrives in Liecester as a new immigrant to the UK.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank-you Mr Englishman for letting me into your country!"
But the passer-by says " You are mistaken I'm Pakistani."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank-you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!" The person says
"I no Blitish, I Flom Hong Kong!"

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a British citizen?"
She says "No I'm from Romania!" So he is puzzled, and asks her "Where are all the British people?"

The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says.............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..............."Probably at work!" ;) ;)

[The Defiant Man]

Michael Barrymore is in trouble with Big Brother for not using the house ashtrays






Apparently he's being throwing his fags in the pool......

[The Defiant Man]

Apparently a true story....

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules the husband flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidently left out one letter in her email address and, withour realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a church minister who had died of a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which said:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: 16 October 2004

"I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers down here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS Sure is freaking hot down here!"

[datacroft]

Have you every fallen into this trap??!!

MEN....BEWARE!!!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf (http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf)

[CFBC]

"Class" D/C. :)

[kevjb64]

SO funny , though I am a bit annoyed that they used a photo of my missus as the starting for the beer warning !! :rolleyes: :D

[datacroft]

I knew that 'er indoors' had a twin, a certain submariners Dragon, but, I am terrified to find out she was a triplet!:eek: :eek: :eek:

[plumstix]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who's recovering from a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to sh*g you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[kevjb64]

I knew that 'er indoors' had a twin, a certain submariners Dragon, but, I am terrified to find out she was a triplet!:eek: :eek: :eek:

:D :D :D

[Agent X20]

Mrs Agent aint exactly the final version.. even after 10 pints... (could as well be 10 gallons) :D

[goonybird]

Loads of alchololll.....

wot woz that about teh back of buses :D

[Typhoon-MKV]

Heard this today and made me chuckle.......

1981 : Prince Charles gets married; England win the ashes; The Pope Dies; Liverpool win the European Cup

2005 : Prince Charles gets married: England win the ashes: The Pope Dies: Liverpool win the European Cup


If Prince Charles ever remarries again could someone please warn the Pope.........

[Agent X20]

Sod that.. down to Ladbrooks, fiver on Liverpool...

[DCRanger]

Prince Charle visits a school in Heckmondwike where a small boys asks him why is he wearing a fur cap. Charles replies "Well when I told my father that I was going to Heckmondwike he said wear the fox hat".

[scramble]

Heard this today and made me chuckle.......

1981 : Prince Charles gets married; England win the ashes; The Pope Dies; Liverpool win the European Cup

2005 : Prince Charles gets married: England win the ashes: The Pope Dies: Liverpool win the European Cup


If Prince Charles ever remarries again could someone please warn the Pope.........

Typhoon
that is weird, pretty weird indeed....not for England or Liverpool that is.

[spock1]

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

*:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `


SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" S o the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

*:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly
and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun
and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do
it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

*:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy: W."

*:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `


FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

*:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `


SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman,
sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

*:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `


SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As
the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop
and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."................ :D

[CFBC]

Tesco scam warning

Be warned....

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Tesco in Hampton and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride into town.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday. :cool:

[DCRanger]

A spokesperson for Tesco (Mrs DCR who works there) said this could happen at any supermarket. :D

[minter]

mrs mint would get very suspicious if i volunteered to do the food shopping on my own ,so iv'e got no chance :rolleyes:

[CFBC]

A spokesperson for Tesco (Mrs DCR who works there) said this could happen at any supermarket. :D

Going shopping Mr DC? :D Minter, you never shop on your own? :confused: Get to buy what you want then!! :cool:

[minter]

Minter, you never shop on your own? :confused: Get to buy what you want then!! :cool:

not food shopping,supermarkets ghastly places.my mate was in tescos 10 oclock monday night when a bing bong went out saying all cooked chickens a quid. He couldnt believe the argy bargy that went on.he still managed to grab two though :rolleyes:

[DCRanger]

The supermarket staff's favourite customers :rolleyes: The ones who pick up reduced price things and then haggle to get the price reduced even more.

[CFBC]

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds.

_____

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.

The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.


English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.

[kevjb64]

Funny but frightening as well , every year the Times get the top 100 A - Level students to take the 1950 eleven plus exam , last years lot , 97 failed , 2 passed , one refused to take it as did not understand the questions . :eek:

Seems physcology , sociology and art are the top three current degrees being taken , so in about 5 years time lets hope a lot of people are having nervous breakdowns then at least we will have a lot of trained people to explain why it happened and recommend someone else to tell us why we are like we are and the best way to relax is to look at / buy art ( thereby helping out their old uni buddies ) . :D

[Agent Carr]

Fantastic. Only problem is that I could not answer have the questions!

[Graham]

I think it was on the "Wright Stuff" yesterday morning, some uni's are now having to give students lessons in the basic three R's before they start their graduate/degree courses, very sad.

[CFBC]

Fantastic. Only problem is that I could not answer have the questions!

You are not taking English Lit are you A/C... Read above. :) Was it the Friday night beer?

[Agent Carr]

No I am a thrid year History student that cant spell. I can talk for Britain instead.

[kevjb64]

At least in History you have to learn something rather than ( apparently ) being able to answer what you think / feel MAY BE the best solution !! :rolleyes:

[Agent Carr]

Did Psychology and Philosophy in first and second year and I lost the will to live. Remember one particular philosophy lecture and the content was on how you should not build your house on top of a Ford Escort. Happily left those days behind now.

[kevjb64]

Did Psychology and Philosophy in first and second year and I lost the will to live. Remember one particular philosophy lecture and the content was on how you should not build your house on top of a Ford Escort. Happily left those days behind now.


Bugger , I am already at first fix stage on my new house , you might have mentioned it sooner !! :D

[Graham]

1."Aim towards enemy."
- Instructions printed on US Rocket launcher.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
2."When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend."
- US. Marine Corps training manual.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
3."Cluster bombing from a B-52 is very, very accurate. The bombs aways
hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- US Infantry journal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over an area you have just
bombed."
- US Air Force Pilot instruction manual.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
6."Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword, never encountered
automatic weapons"
- General Macarthur.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
7."Try to look as unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry journal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
8."You, you and you .....panic. The rest come with me"
-US Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
9."Tracers work both ways."
- US. Army Ordnance officer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. "Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry journal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. "If your attack is going to well, you're walking into an an ambush."
-Infantry journal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. "Any ship can be a minesweeper......... once."
- Unknown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. "Never tell an Officer you have nothing to do."
- Unknown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. "Don't draw fire; it p!sses off people around you."
- Your mates.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
16. "If you see a bomb technician running;.............follow him!
- US Ammo Troop.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
17. "Though I fly through the Valley of Death..... I shall fear no evil. For I am
at 80,000 feet and climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 base, Kadena, Japan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
18. "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F Crickmore, Test pilot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
19. "The only time you've got to much fuel is when you're on fire."
-Unknown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
20. "If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter;........ and therefore, unsafe."
- Unknown fixed wing pilot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
21. "When one engine fails on a twin engined plane, you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
- Unknown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
22. "The three most common expressions or famous last words in aviation are:
"Why is that doing that?", Where the hell are we?" and "Oh sh!t!!!"
- Too many.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
23. "Weather forecasts are like horoscopes with numbers."
- Unknown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


More to come....................later:LOL: :LOL:

[DCRanger]

"How to put the right person in the right job"

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open
window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave
them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in
engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in
planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping. Put them in reception.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information
technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been
moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least...

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management!

[eismeer]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again" she replied

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms .

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted .. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed .. "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"

The moral of this story : Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

[eismeer]

An Italian-American family was considering putting, Their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa."How do you like it here?" asks the grandson."It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa."We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.""Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'. And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been Practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doc'!! Also a Federal Judge, retired for over 30 years, Is still addressed as 'Your Honor'. And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me, 'the F---ing Italian"

[eismeer]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear
Voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a
Divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me
Out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more
Tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
And the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to
Him and smiles. "The airbag."

[Graham]

24."Whats the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot
screws up, the pilot dies, if ATC screws up......... the pilot dies."
- Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
25."Never trade luck for skills"
- Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
26. "The most dangerous thing in the field? An Officer with a map in his hand."
-Unnamed British soldier.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
27. "Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
28. "Mankind has a prefect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
29. "Flashlights are tubular metal containers for storing dead batteries in."
- We've all been there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
30. "Flying the aeroplane is more important than radioing your plight to
someone on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
about it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
31. "Just remember, if you crash because of bad weather, your funeral will be
on a sunny day."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
32, Advice given to RAF pilots during WW11. "When a crash seems inevitable,
endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest objects in the vicinity as
slowly and gently as possible."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
33. "The Piper Cub is the safest aeroplane in the world, it can barley just kill
you."
- Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
34. "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
35. "There in no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peace time."
-Sign over Sqn Op's desk at Davis-Monthan ABF, AZ. USA.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
36. "If something hasn't fallen off your helicopter, it's about to."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
37. Basic flying rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
edges of it. The edges or air can be recognised by the appearance of
the ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space, it's much more
difficult to fly there."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:LOL: :LOL:

[Agent X20]

Any more why stop at 37..?

[ForkTailedDevil]

I'm sure everyone has run across the facts about Chuck Norris stuff on the web recently but here are Chuck Norris's favourites as picked by the man himself-

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[58warren]

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."



A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


" A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "


AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."


The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[58warren]

Quantas Airlines:

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[G-force]

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

.

Brilliant, the first one nearly had me on the floor.

[kevjb64]

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

All very funny , apparently later they got the midget a job as a model for Corgi 1:72 Jaguar pilots .
:rolleyes:

[ozlanc]

Crikey m8, there's no U in QANTAS (Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Services Limited) :)

Btw, they have had a few accidents, the most costly (AU $100,000,000) being the overshoot by a 747 in rain at Bangkok in 1999. However they've never 'lost' a jet aircraft, but a few prop driven planes did bite the dust earlier in the airlines history.

[58warren]

Ozlanc, I just cut and pasted that Qantas info from an email sent to me at work. I did notice Qantas had been spelt incorrectly, but couldn't be bothered to change it apart from the title that I added to the posting. :)

Interesting about the accidents... Was that Koala in charge of the jet that over shot the runway? Trouble is they're all too small to see out the window properly. :D

[ozlanc]

Yes I did notice you spelt it correctly in the subject heading.

Bl00dy Koalas, they're always falling out of trees onto unsuspecting tourists (drop-bears, we call them) so they shouldn't be flying at all imo.

[CFBC]

Well, here it is... The latest fashion for the beach. :cool: Ive certainly ordered one to impress Mrs CFBC on the Honeymoon! :LOL:

I think it will have the desired effect! :o Oh, and don't choke on your shreaded wheat Dawg20! :p

[Agent Carr]

Thats just wrong. Its put me right of my breakfast.

[DCRanger]

Third pic, brolly. Should that read "Take a Bouchers here"?

[balbrick]

Are you talking about the beany hat :LOL:

[david cotton]

Third pic, brolly. Should that read "Take a Bouchers here"?

More like "PARK YOUR BIKE HERE":)

[planejunky]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said.

"Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself . It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

" Beertits," he said

[Sailor.]

:) :D :)
http://breakingnews.iol.ie/news/story.asp?j=145988900&p=y4598948x

[G-force]

You obviously missed my post on the Aircraft Sightings thread. It was actually alot funnier being there. The speed he left at that night was something else, damn near going vertical trying to get out.

[DCRanger]

Thought for the day.


http://i2.tinypic.com/sno4uv.jpg

[Sailor.]

:) :) :)

[neighbob]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?














Full.

[ozlanc]

Three New Zealanders liked to go deer hunting every year. So last year they hired a Cessna 172 and a pilot to fly them to a remote forest. They had a successful day's hunting, and met back at the plane, each carrying a buck.
They loaded up the plane, and as the pilot started up the engine, he said to the men, "I don't think she'll be able to get off the ground with this load."
Two of the men looked disappointed, but the third quickly responded, "Don't worry about it, we got the same amount last year, and we got off the ground without any problem."
So the pilot said OK, and the plane started down the runway, and sure enough got off the ground.
But then the plane's stall warning started to make its noise and the little plane stopped climbing and crashed in the woods.
Luckily, the three men and the pilot sustained only some bruises.
One of the hunters asked, "Any idea where we are?"
His Kiwi mate said, "I don't know, but I think we're about a mile or two from where we crashed last year."

[ozlanc]

Have you ever been on a plane and seen pilots sitting in the passenger cabin? This is not at all uncommon, since most airlines at one time or another need pilots to cover a flight at an airport other than the one at which they're based. When pilots ride this way as passengers, this is known in the industry as "deadheading."
In some cases, due to weather, mechanical problems, or crew flight-time legalities crews are called out at the very last moment to catch a deadheading flight.
And so begins our story.
While taxiing out for takeoff, the Boeing 727 suddenly came to a stop. With the aircraft still on the taxiway, the flight attendant in the back began to lower the aft stairway. Behind the plane, a van with flashing lights came to a screeching halt and out jumped three deadheading pilots. They grabbed their bags and ran to the plane.
As they ran up the stairs, the pilot in front continued running up the aisle shouting, "I can't believe the stewardess got the plane this far. I didn't know she even knew how to start the engines!"
Until the passengers realized they'd been conned by these jokers, you couldn't believe the startled looks on their faces!

[ozlanc]

On a plane bound for Cairns, Queensland, the flight attendant approached a blonde seated in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I"m blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Cairns, and I'm not moving!"
Not wanting to argue with a passenger, the flight attendant asked the First Officer to speak with her. He went to the woman again asking her to move out of the first class section.
Again the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Cairns, and I'm not moving!" The First Officer returned to the cockpit and asked the Captain what they should do about this.
The Captain replied, "I'm married to a blonde, I know how to handle this."
The Captain then went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She then immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and First Officer asked the Captain what he had said to her to get her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to Cairns."

[planejunky]

Here's few that made me laugh!

[Gannet]

A few one-liners from one of my fellow nurses...


You know you're a nurse when...

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made somebody at the next table throw up.

You've told a confused patient that your name is that of your colleague and to shout if they need help.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You know the smell of different diarrhoea well enough to identify it.

;)

[ForkTailedDevil]

Beer for toads.....

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=94327

[balbrick]

Woman: Would you get married again if I died?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.

[Sailor.]

Sad but true....
http://www.larryleadhead.org/

[Agent X20]

That is ace....

[minter]

would you stand underneath this spit

[Agent X20]

Make a nice gate guardian for Agent Towers..

trying to work out the joke connection..

[minter]

couldnt think of anywhere else to put it

[DCRanger]

Is it one of those fibre glass jobs?

[minter]

what the stand or the plane.....wouldnt stick an hienkel on it :LOL:

[DCRanger]

The aircraft of course! The stand is a plastic one from Corgi in'it:rolleyes:

[Agent X20]

So its diecast.... oh hang on.. lets check if theres any dihedral..:wacko:

[Sailor.]

Irish gas station

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.
"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"

[Sailor.]

:D I just love it when Jerry gets it right in the neck! :D
http://www.fugly.com/videos/5104/Killer_Remote_Control_Helicopter.html

[plumstix]

Class.

[planejunky]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

[planejunky]

And another just for the badness!:D

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK you old f@rt, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cant handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud, I'll race you round the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.

"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits, sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month!"

Moral of this story?

Don't mess with old farts - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance.

[G-force]

Class :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

[planejunky]

Wedneday 19th April 2006

BE WARNED!
I don't how if you shop at Tesco's, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me, and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

[ozlanc]

LMFAO, and we don't even have Tesco's :)

[lovethoseplanes]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree

http://i3.tinypic.com/wb8ew1.jpg

smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says

http://i3.tinypic.com/wb8f4g.jpg

"He y Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says ................

http://i3.tinypic.com/wb8ghj.jpghttp://i3.tinypic.com/wb8gmc.jpg

"Faaaaarrrrking hell dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

[G-force]

If there were a prize for "Joke of the Day" that would walk it.
F'ing hilarious.

[ForkTailedDevil]

Not sure if its a joke but the counter has went up by 500,000 since this was sent round at work this afternoon.

Please support him. Its a worthy cause

http://www.helpwinthisbet.com/404/

[G-force]

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she
made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool,
she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the
voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the
ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once
more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"



The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

[Agent X20]

Not sure if its a joke but the counter has went up by 500,000 since this was sent round at work this afternoon.

Please support him. Its a worthy cause

http://www.helpwinthisbet.com/404/

I wonder if the dues have been paid..:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: Its gone kinda quiet...

I liked this one..

http://www.wimp.com/pilotsdrunk/

[The Defiant Man]

Why they won't win the world cup.....

[G-force]

Better chance than England have now!!!

[DCRanger]

Q: Why is John Prescott like a piece of flat pack furniture?

A: A couple of screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

[Grizzly Adams]

lolol DCR

[Habilis]

A pair of octogenarians have just been wed at their local church hall. Now off to the bridal suite, dear old Merl turns to Horrace and says "Now watch out Horrace, I've got acute angina." To which Horrace replys "That's good Merl because I don't think much of your tlts."

[CFBC]

Sorry - Could not resist this one! Should make yer laugh!

(you will need broadband to play this video)

Birds (http://video.tinypic.com/player.php?v=xpbggo)

:LOL: :LOL:

[philglt]

Excellent, thanks for posting that! :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Phil

[minter]

ok picture 1 is before marraige, picture 2 is during marraige, and pcture 3 after the divorce

[CFBC]

Just for Spock! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhTeYaqIe3E)

:LOL: :unsure:

(broadband required) - :)

After a hard night on the Forum and down in his local... That Rommy Ale has some strength!

[The Defiant Man]

Just for Spock! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhTeYaqIe3E)

:LOL: :unsure:

(broadband required) - :)

After a hard night on the Forum and down in his local... That Rommy Ale has some strength!

Certainly sounds like him....:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

[CFBC]

I may live to regret posting that link! :unsure:

[The Defiant Man]

I may live to regret posting that link! :unsure:
More likely NOT live to regret it!:D

[planejunky]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining.

[spock1]

I may live to regret posting that link! :unsure:

:LOL: :rolleyes: :cool: :eek: :unsure: :D

[CFBC]

http://i4.tinypic.com/1042gkh.jpg

[david cotton]

The world is made up of 3 types of people. Those who can count and those who can't :)

[DCRanger]

The world is made up of 3 types of people. Those who can count and those who can't :)
The way I heard that one was "There are three types of people who work in stock control. Those who can count and those who can't":)

[minter]

i think that would apply to the aslum seeker department at the government :rolleyes:

[plumstix]

What have Heather Mills and Arsenal got in common ??? They both want a second leg......

[Craig]

What have Heather Mills and Arsenal got in common ??? They both want a second leg......
What's that scraping noise? Oh, it's the bottom of the barrel being reached...:rolleyes: :D

[minter]

well its gonna cost mccartney an arm and 1 leg to get rid of her

[Graham]

Whats big, red and goes beep, beep, beep?............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .....
The Arsenal open top tour bus reversing back into the garage.
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

[Graham]

Craig, we've got a long way to go before we reach the bottom of this barrel.

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his friend "Well that's me f*cked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate sighs and replies "Well mate you could always give Paul McCartney a call."

[Sailor.]

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Serg eant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[minter]

the new marine captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.During his first inspection he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.He asks the first sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"well sir, as you know there are 250 men here and no women, and sometimes the men have urges,thats why we have the camel"
the captain says
" i cant say that i condone this, but i understand about the urges,so the camel can stay"
About a month later the captain starts to have some very serious urges.Crazy with passion he asks the first sargeant to bring the camel to his tent.Putting a stool behind the camel the captian stands on it,pulls his pants down and has wild insane sex with the camel.When hes finished he asks the sargeant
"is that how the men do it"
"Ummm no sir,they usually ride the camel into town to where the girls are"

[Sailor.]

This one made me giggle! :rolleyes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nery-DSFtpo

[CFBC]

You have probably already seen this, but it's a laugh. :D


Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w*nker.

[G-force]

A little old lady went into the Bank of England one day carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the Govenor of the bank to
open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into
the Governer's office (the customer is always right!)
The Governor then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, £150,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The Governor was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,
so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The Governor then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the Governor, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that
kind of bet!! The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure,"
said the Governor, I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little
old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident Governor. That night, the Governor got
very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning at precisely 10:00 AM , the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the Governor's office. She introduced the lawyer to the Governor and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the Governor's balls are square!"
The Governor agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The Govenor did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the Govenor, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The Governor asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 AM today,
I'd have The Bank of Englands Governor's balls in my hand."

[Sailor.]

The Army recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our staff."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating commissioned officers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooow, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!."

[DCRanger]

That reminds me of my boss many years ago when I was working for one of the very industries. He said to one day "The chairman takes a week off and nobody notices. The quiet little chap who collects and delivers the internal mail takes a day off and the whole place comes to stand still!"

He wasn't wrong either.:D

[charley]

It is just before Wales v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Wales. They are completely shat and we can't be bothered". Ronaldino looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldino goes out to play Wales all by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Wales 0 (Ronaldino 10minutes)." He is beating Wales all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is almost forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium - Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Wales 1 (Shadwell 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Wales!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down," he says. "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Wales, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[G-force]

I'll never look at a tree the same way again.

[Agent X20]

You need to get out more..

[G-force]

Can you suggest anywhere?

[Agent X20]

Thought that was the perogative of Mrs G Force.....:D :D :D

[G-force]

Bit too warm for me there.:D

[Agent X20]

Been caught smuggling diecast..???

[G-force]

No, it's all my own doing.......I confessed!(:mad: well I'm not doing that again!)

[Agent X20]

dont tell em yer name.. Pike..!!!!

[condor]

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."




Condor

[condor]

One for CFBC;)



A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes.'"




Condor

[condor]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.:D





Condor

[planejunky]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently a 75 year old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?" one asked. "No not yet," said the mother. I'll make us a coffee and we can catch up first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When he cries!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" They demanded to know why. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

The mother replied "Because, I forgot where I put him!"

[CFBC]

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

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Answer:

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pi$$ed. :LOL:

[strix1998]

the little girl next door digging in the garden and looks over the fence and says "What are you digging that hole for dear?"

"To bury my hamster" says the little girl

"My, but that's a big hole for a hamster" says the woman

"That's cos it's inside your ....king cat" replied the little girl

[plumstix]

Liked this one

[eismeer]

Nice one plummy, and like it says, PRICELESS :LOL:

I'm thinking of having this as my avatar on this forum, tis great :D

[CFBC]

One for the ladies amongst us although I really disagree with a lot of these indeed. Women just don't understand us! :mad:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and ****.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one
need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[condor]

Rules To Consider;

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.




Condor

[plumstix]

In a surprise move Saddam Hussein has pleaded guilty to all charges against him and has been sentenced to death by a court in Baghdad.

In accordance with Iraqi law he will be shot by firing squad at dawn tomorrow. His last request was to name his own firing squad and the judge has agreed to this.

He chose Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards..........

[sniperUK]

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

" Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly walks up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[sniperUK]

he teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating"



Sally raised her hand. She said,"My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."



Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.



Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

[minter]

a lorry driver breaks down on the m6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board bound for chester zoo.they need to be there by 9.00am and the lorry driver fears he will lose his job if he doesnt get them there in time.He decides to try and thumb a lift for the monkeys and an irish lorry driver pulls up.

"where are ou going " asks the irsh driver
"do us a favour mate and take these monkeys to chester zoo for me,and here's a hundred quid for your trouble"
"happy days" says the irish man and takes the monkeys away.

the lorry driver goes about trying to fix his lorry.About 2 hours later he notices the irish man driving back down the other way with the monkeys on board.With much horror he flags him down

"what are you doing, i told you to take the monkeys to chester zoo"
"i did" says the irish man..."but i've still got 50 quid left so were going to alton towers"

[Agent X20]

... A good clean one yer can tell yer kids..:D

[DCRanger]

Amused me....

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in

Switzerland...

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and!!!!!

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.


And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

[CFBC]

The youth (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbFVBiGuQlU) of today.... :D

Broadband is required!

[eismeer]

Holy sh1t:eek: she flew out of the traps at a right pace, wonder if she was hurt:wacko:

[CFBC]

Serves emself right in my opinion Eismeer... Fewls... :LOL:

[eismeer]

Good job she never hit the bike on the way out :D

[Agent X20]

Crawley... sums the place up....

[Sailor.]

Yep well said chaps,
it's always nice to see white kids getting hurt in't it?

[Agent X20]

Shouldnt let em breed.. they seem to be appearing on their mini-scooters all over the place.. and as always plod gont give a french connection...:mad: :mad: :mad:

[minter]

probably one of the parents taking the film

[rmorley]

'Twas on ITV national news tonight- Police urged members of the public "not to copy these actions"!


So, come on, who is a member of the old Bill?

[plumstix]

I bet the coppers were secretly pi$$ing themselves in the police station. "Another couple of chav-scum kids doing themselves some mischief" or words to that effect.

[strix1998]

The Ages of Women

at 8-you take her to bed and tell her a story
at 18-you tell her a story and take her to bed
at 28-You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
at 38-she tells you a story and takes you to bed
at 48-she tells you a story to avoid going to bed
at 58-you stay in bed to avoid her story
at 68-If you take her to bed that'll be a story
at 78-What story? What Bed? Who the Hell are You?

[minter]

bl##dy hell i'm old before me time i must be 68 :blink:

[Agent X20]

Friday... 10 minutes before the ceremony....

Obviously this is isnt too accurate as the groom is not wearing shorts...

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h61/AgentX20/weddin2.jpg

[condor]

Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy-efficient
kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining
that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking Sales guy had told me last year.... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay
for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally Just hung up.
He didn't call back. Bet he felt dumb! :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:




Condor

[DCRanger]

It doesn't take long for the jokers does it.:rolleyes:

http://i1.tinypic.com/282pes1.jpg

[Agent X20]

The cursed Commander Shaw...:mad: :mad: :mad:

[CFBC]

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the cheque, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"


A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

[david cotton]

Bad form chaps.....I think they should come off :o

[datacroft]

Important Announcement
The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'a bit cross'.

Londoners have not been 'a bit cross' since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been recategorised from 'tiresome' to 'a ****** nuisance'.
The last time the British issued 'a ****** nuisance' warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed Frances white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It is not only the English and the French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased its level from 'Shout loudly and excitedly' to 'Elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective combat operations' and 'Change sides'.

The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful arrogance' to 'Dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They also have two higher levels, 'Invade a neighbour' and 'lose'.

The Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary. And the only threat that they are worried about, is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

[plumstix]

Liked this.

[CFBC]

See two or three posts down Plummy as DCR has already posted it. :) ;)

[plumstix]

Doh!!!

[Sailor.]

Kylie Minogue, Mick Jagger and Elton John were wandering down the road, pissed as farts, after a gig at the Sheffield Arena.
Kylie slipped and got her melon stuck between Forgemaster's raliings. Quick as jumpin' jack flash, Mick lifted her frock, dropped her kecks and slipped her a crippler.
Turning to Elton he said....
"How about sloppy seconds?"
Elton burst into tears and snivelled....
"Mi' 'ead won't fit through railings."

[Agent X20]

What would be an even bigger laugh is if Sir Eltons lawyers collect diecast...:D

Lose one forum in a month is unfortunate.. to lose two would be downright careless......:D :D :D

[DCRanger]

:LOL: :LOL:

Funnier still if all three had lawyers that collect diecast. Unlikely though, I expect they are all far too busy counting their money.:D

[Agent X20]

Well someone is still buying these things at retail... whose got the most money... lawyers and ex wives..... the latter certainly dont collect diecast so it must be the former...

... cant see the point of sticking your head into the lions cage....:(

[sniperUK]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter asks, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?
Customer says, "What does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up.:blink:

[condor]

. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. ;)





Condor

[Spectrum]

Enjoy! :LOL:

[Spectrum]

What does a blonde do after a serious car crash?? :LOL: :LOL:

[DCRanger]

I watched Team America tonight, one of the funniest I have seen for a long time. It probably needs a particular type of humour to appreciate it but I was inspired to look up the lyrics for one song that was included so here we are.

Pearl Harbor
by Team America
album:

I miss you more then Michael Bay missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I miss you more than that movie missed the point
And that’s an awful lot girl
And now, now you’ve gone away
And all I’m trying to say is
Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you


I need u like Ben Affleck needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need u like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
He’s way better than Ben Affleck
And now all I can think about is your smile
and that shitty movie too
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you

Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
Just a little bit more than I miss you


If you like this sort of thing then you might like some other quotes from the film. See here:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0372588/quotes

[sniperUK]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know,
I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and
in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish and
Sulu who is Japanese - but no Arabs. My son is very upset and
doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and
whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[plumstix]

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"£85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40"
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5, but it's going to be very traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman."
"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[CFBC]

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j273/dljames/ImmigrationcontrolsatDover.jpg

[CFBC]

Ouch (http://www.ravenware.com/factand/nofic/b1pics/gurec/index.html), that's gotta have hurt!

:rolleyes: :D

[datacroft]

It's quite amazing tho' how relatively little damage was done.:confused:

[nursey]

Twenty Years Of Misery

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?"

"I would have gotten out today."

[prune]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6j18rHOqV68

[DCRanger]

A couple of clever adverts.

http://i10.tinypic.com/2d9ntz8.jpg

http://i9.tinypic.com/2qs1axk.jpg

[CFBC]

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j273/dljames/familyplanning.jpg

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :D

[JackShit8]

This is a joke that was doing the rounds when I was at prep.school...........I hadn't a clue what it meant back then, I just knew that adults laughed at it and so when I came home, I told my Mum & Dad. My **** was red-raw for days!!

What's the difference between Johnny Craddock and a cros-country run??

One of them is a pant in the country.........................!!

JackShit8

Semper in Excreta

[CFBC]

You Should do this every few days. More often if you spend a lot of time on computer!

I was shocked to see this work!

To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the S. Then drag the S toward the e. If it doesn't work, you might need to clean your mouse.

Stop farting around and go do something constructive

[Agent Carr]

This is a joke that was doing the rounds when I was at prep.school...........I hadn't a clue what it meant back then, I just knew that adults laughed at it and so when I came home, I told my Mum & Dad. My **** was red-raw for days!!

What's the difference between Johnny Craddock and a cros-country run??

One of them is a pant in the country.........................!!

JackShit8

Semper in Excreta

One of the few jokes I do not get?

[DCRanger]

One of the few jokes I do not get?
One of them is a pant in the country and the other is a punt in the pantry. Now is my spelling of punt correct?:rolleyes:

Gedit now?:D

[strix1998]

One of them is a pant in the country and the other is a punt in the pantry. Now is my spelling of punt correct?:rolleyes:

Gedit now?:D

Subtly, sympathetically and tactfully explained if may say.... good job it wasn't the pheasant plucking one.......

[IWM2]

Perhaps it's just ACs age. He might have been more likely to see the joke if he had known Craddock was an early TV chef...

[IWM2]

Internal Memo

From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation.

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ...have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wazzup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.
First Patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.

Cut it out, it's not funny anymore

[CFBC]

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

:rolleyes: Sorry...

[strix1998]

Respectfully suggest you stick to ice cream sales and employ a real comedian for the screening day....

[eismeer]

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

Probably wont be as funny when i have sobered up in the morning but that just had me howling :D